My Opinion on Everything

It seems that I have a lot to say tonight. So many topics are pressing at my mind. Transformers didn’t really warrant a sequel. PETA should not be protecting insects, as their acronym won’t allow for it. I’ll pass on Wolverine, but I’d be first in line to see Spider-Man Origins: Bonesaw if you ever greenlit that one. With so much on my mind, I decided to target these issues logically and methodically. I will now give my opinions and thoughts on everything. Ever. In alphabetical order.


A: What a fine letter you are. Sturdy and majestic as a capital letter, but what has happened to your lower case self? Sometimes you sport a charming pompadour while other times you look like a lower case O with a cane. You’re not fooling anyone anymore. We know there are two of you doing one man’s job!

Aardvark: A charmingly silly name for a charmingly silly creature. All creatures should be named as fittingly. With that said, I propose we change the name of the “bear” to “braaaagggghhhfffftttmzmzmz”.

Aaron: Biblical names should be off-limits for pop singers. Next!

Aback: Congratulations on being the most messed up word in the English language. Being taken aback? I don’t even know where to begin diagramming that.

Abacus: You really dropped the ball on your plural form. Abacuses? You’re doing the English language a disservice. Abacai is the most fun to pronounce string of sounds ever uttered. Get on that.

Abaft: As an adverb meaning behind, I suppose it would be a bit of a stretch to work you into the niche of becoming another one of our growing number of slang words for the buttocks to be used by rappers and pop singers, but it would certainly liven the proceedings.

Abalone: Something that slimy and mollusky should not sound that delicious on a menu.

Abandon: Abandoning something is cold-hearted, and even the word knows it. There’s no way to say the word without sounding cold. Just try it.

Abase: You and abate mean pretty much the same thing. Why don’t you just buddy up and become one word?

Abash: Outside of the term “unabashedly”, this word is not safe for everyday use. Anyone who claims that another has “abashed” them when only slightly embarrassed just set the inflictor up for much more than they had coming.

Abate: See abase.

Abattoir: Could you think of a classier word to mean “slaughterhouse”? I have a sneaking suspicion this word was created by the Hannibal Lecter-type intelligent and charming serial killers just so they could have somewhere ironic to invite their victims before … ehm … for more see my entries on bludgeoning, strangling, and balloon animals.

ABBA: It’s an acronym. They’re not named after the Semitic word for “father”. Hip preachers everywhere: stop making references!

Abbé: We dedicated an entire word to just describing French priests? Unless every nationality of priests are represented in the English language, I’ll have to cry foul on this move. It hardly seems fair.

Abbess: When you have to explain what your title means every time you introduce yourself, why create a title in the first place?

Abbey: God is still bitter that the Beatles have singlehandedly wiped the religious implications from this word in the American subconscious, as they did with the verse of the Holy book Proverbs 3:2, “Baby, you can drive my car. Beep beep. Beep beep. Yeah.”

Abbot: Not just for Costelloes anymore. The word is 1100 years old. The reference is 70. My 19 year old frame of consciousness cannot distinguish a difference.

Abbreviation: The abbreviation key at the beginning of any encyclopedia or dictionary is where most ghost story writers get the names for their daemons.

Abdicate: Even the word screams “You can’t fire me. I quit!”


…Wow…there are a lot more things in existence than I thought possible. There has to be a better way to do this…